Learning to Trust

Shortly after Audrey was born, I was diagnosed with a rare blood-clotting disorder called Factor V Leiden. This is a genetic disorder, and most people who have it are heterozygous, meaning that one of their parents has FVL and has passed on a mutated gene. Being the overachiever that I am, BOTH of my parents have FVL and I have inherited the mutated gene from each of them (homozygous). Without scaring myself all over again, I'll just say that I'm at high risk (I think I read 30-140 fold) for several dangerous possibilities, including blood clots, stroke, and heart-attack. All three of my children will be heterozygous for Factor V.

Back in mid-May, Kevin and I went to see the new Henderson baby. On the way home my arm went numb and I felt close to passing out; I felt as if I couldn't breathe. We headed straight for the nearest emergency room and hung out there for lots of tests and monitoring. A few hours later we were sent home with no answers and a hefty bill. I followed up with my general practitioner's office and was made to feel that I had experienced a panic attack, which would be very strange, considering that I was on a date with my husband when this happened! I almost believed this diagnosis until I was telling my dad about it. He kept nodding and finally said that he'd had that happen two or three times. "One time I was getting some tea out of the refrigerator and woke up on the floor in a puddle of tea!" Of course, he didn't TELL anyone - crazy man! My mom has also had a TIA and said the symptoms were very similar.

Fast forward to last night, when Kevin and I were headed to bed. I had almost forgotten about the ER trip, other than the fact that the bill is on my cork board so I can remember to pay them something. The fingertips on my left hand had felt like they were asleep for a few hours, but I thought it might be from playing bass a bit earlier. We were in bed, chatting about this and that (okay, okay, I was chatting and Kevin was saying "uh huh" and probably hoping I would hush so he could sleep) when it hit me again.

As we both lay there, alternately praying out loud, I couldn't help but be afraid. What if something really happens? My family needs me. I want to live to see my grandchildren. I fought for some time to keep calm, breathe, and not think about the possibilities.

Sometime in the night a major storm rolled through. The lightening was so awesome that it kept our room lit almost constantly. Somewhere in that loud thunder I felt that God was rebuking me.

Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind and said: "Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge? Dress for action like a man; I will question you, and you make it known to me. "Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding." ~ Job 38:1-4

Does God need me? Can I add anything to His purpose? If it is His will for me to suffer, or even to die, will He not still do all that He sovereignly decrees? I have seen in the lives of dear brothers and sisters that God does, indeed, work through tragedy. I have seen His provision for those who have lost much. How small my faith must be to know these things, to see His work, and to still doubt. If Christ is all I need, why do I grasp at control? Why do I cling to loved ones here on earth as if they are all that matters? They are a wonderful gift from God, but they belong to Him. He can do with them as He pleases, and whatever He pleases to do will be for my good and His glory.

I do believe this. God, help my unbelief! I trust in you and ask You for peace in the storm. I answer You with the words of Job:

Then Job answered the LORD and said: "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. 'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?' Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. 'Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to me.' I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes." ~ Job 42:1-6

Health Issues

I am going to post and run, because I am supposed to have my leg up...I got a blood clot in my leg and now I have to rest. Grrr! I was up and running around because I was feeling so much better than last week. I even led the music at church last Sunday, 3 days post-partum! But now I am forced to rest. Sigh. At least it is superficial. If it were in the deep tissue, I could throw it to my lungs and die. My sisters are coming to help me next week, so I won't be alone. I guess if that is the least of my worries, then I am doing good.

Everyday Providence

I can't decide what I want to do today for exercise. I guess I will go for Pilates again. I did get about a mile walk in (broken up into two parts) last night.

Weekly weigh-in: 135 lbs. (which would be about 140 at the OB office)

This morning I already had bacon and a fruit salad prepared, so I just made some half-wheat pancakes (YUM!) to go with it. Then we picked up Katie and Mom Hinton and went to some yard sales. We only got some books and junk for Katie, though, but it is still kinda fun.

Then I helped Mom re-wrap my FIL's dressing on his hand (from the wreck), and we came home and had lunch. I tried to nap, but first I was coughing, then the baby was kicking, then I got indigestion from lunch...so I just said "forget it!" and here I am.

Good news! My Uncle Bobby (Mama's brother) got a new heart today. He has been on the transplant list for a while. Mama called me a bit ago and it is in and beating.

Everyday Providence

Exercise? Yeah, right. I walked a mile with Katie in the umbrella stroller yesterday and almost couldn't get back home! My back hurt so badly all night. Kevin was a sweetie and gave me a back rub just before bed, and I feel better today. Now I don't know what I am supposed to do. I guess just let myself go to pot until the baby comes out?

Kevin's dad had a wreck on Monday. He must have blacked out while driving. He has congestive heart failure and I figure he wasn't getting enough oxygen to his brain (or maybe his leg wouldn’t move when he tried to move it to the brakes?), because he remembers NOTHING from the wreck. He ran his one-year-old Chevy SSR (yes, that is a very expensive automobile) into the back of a cement truck while driving about 55 down the highway. God must have been protecting him because he has no serious injuries, but now all the paperwork begins for my MIL, who just went back to work because she couldn't wait any longer for disability to approve her and she needed insurance.

Nothing else special going on. I got my oil changed and visited my FIL in the hospital today. I also got Katie's new outfit cut out. It will be a Clifford shirt and shorts set.

Everyday Providence

Sundays are my "day of rest" and I do not plan to exercise any on that day. I haven't exercised today, either - at least, not yet. I did get groceries at the Super Wal-Mart which SHOULD count. But since we have daylight savings time (which I love), I will probably go tonight when Kevin gets home. My original plan was to go in the morning before he left for work, but I didn't sleep well last night. SOMEONE thinks it is funny to give me false labor pains all night and then kick the stew outta me!

Also, to clarify my eating habits (since I said I ate too much), when I say I am eating a ton of food, it is usually food that is good for me. I just can't stop eating it. We eat pretty healthy around here (lots of whole-grains, leafy greans, lean meats, etc). So I am not sure if I should practice some self-control or just go for it.

(I hope no one thinks I am vain, since I do realize that my current pregnancy weight isn't even a lot. It really has NOTHING to do with my shape, looks, or anything like that. It has EVERYTHING to do with my back, which has been in awful shape since I fell about 15 feet onto a wooden beam when I was 12 years old.)

My husband is SOOO nice. For my birthday, he ordered maternity clothes and got certificates for four pre-natal massages (since my back is bad). He also made me a card on the computer (!) and got me a bunch of sweetheart roses and two Twix bars (one for me and one for Owen, he says). Then he took me out to eat at a local restaurant and then to Starbucks. The Starbucks thing was a big deal, because I love mochas, but the nearest Starbucks was an hour away. Then we got one in Millington --- while I had hyperemesis! SIGH. So I just now had my first mocha at the new Starbucks. And we met Steve and Camille, who will be moving soon, to chat with them. They have seven kiddos so it was cool to be able to visit in the quiet.

The fellowship meal at church yesterday was AWESOME. A new lady who has been visiting came, and I spent a lot of the night getting to know her. We ate outside and watched all the kids (and MEN! LOL!) play dodge ball. They played for two hours! The pastor hit Katie in the face with the ball, and she came to me and RATTED on him..."Brudder Dax hurt ball FACE!"

Okay, I really need to put away my groceries.

Everyday Providence

Okay, I actually got up and walked a mile, then had my devotional, all before 8:00 this morning! I still ate too much, though. I don't know what to do about that because when I am not pregnant, I have no willpower problems. I eat until I am full and then I have no desire for more, and I don't have much of a sweet tooth. But when I am pregnant, I want to eat everything I see! And I figure if the baby needs the extra weight (since I am so thin to start with), maybe I should just go for it. But I also want to get my back in shape...

I got the filling prepared for the beef and rice enchilladas I am making tomorrow (for the family meal at church). That way I can have a REAL day of rest. Then we went to a couple of yard sales and I got a boppy for $3! A nice one with the toy bar. The one I had with Katie was borrowed, so I really needed one.

Then I went to a baby shower for a friend. I had already given her a ton of Katie's baby clothes and toys, so I bought her some nursing stuff (like Lansinoh lanolin and such). I hope she didn't think I was a weirdo, since everyone else gave her pink dresses.

Time to head out for my date with Kevin.